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T minus- 67 days

The other day, I was on my second cup of coffee, unconsciously sipping on the mug. As I reached my hand out to pour myself the third one,

Ayahibu, they suddenly asked me,

“Are you okay?” and I nodded in no time.

“You are never an avid coffee person aren’t you ?”

“Am I not ?” I replied.

That’s it, they sensed it- and by that time, I knew I would need to make another S.O.S call.

 

There’s no power and no strength except with Allah.

 

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T minus- 74 days

I have been walking across it every single time, building bridge, and another bridge, one after another.

(But) deep down, I know for once, I will need to walk through it instead. Go deep into it, suffocate myself and let everything go. (And) when the time comes, no matter how suffocated I am, I need to remember that it would be my final dive, my final blow and albeit my gasping for air, I will finally get over the fear. (And) most importantly, for me to trust myself. Wholly. Again.

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When we can’t avoid pain, we try to understand it with petty little quotes that we can wrap our heads around, like, “suffering is optional”, or, “time will heal all wounds”.

And my personal favourite, “Every pain has a purpose.”

Allah, I hope that one’s true.

T minus- 77 days

The clock strikes 2.07am.

I am sitting here by the balcony of my 18th floor apartment, overlooking the continuous stream of cars’ headlights while having a cup of warm water in one hand, and the other hand clutching my knees up. For the umpteenth time, I let my shoulders down and sigh, heavily.

I have never known I can be this sad that I go so eerily quiet on the inside. I lose focus instantly, and I stare at things blankly the whole day if you let me. My surrounding doesn’t seem appealing anymore and I find myself rushing back home after work every single day just to find myself sitting on the little maroon couch I sit every single day, doing nothing.

And today, today marks the 8th day, and the eeriness is still enveloping.

 

 

 

 

 

S.O.S

Allahumma aslih qalbi- O Allah fix my heart.

T minus- 86 days

It’s now less than 3 months and my time’s ticking away.

I have promised myself that when the time comes, I will have all my heart pieces coming back together, intact. I’m not lying when I say there’s never any single day that I don’t have to mend my bent, and persuade myself that everything’s gonna be okay.

It’s hard to keep this secret in, while everyone else is oblivious- because that means that, you have to be okay while tossing off or disregarding yourself.

Maybe, just maybe, I have once thought the world is always a fairy tale. That people who love you so much won’t dare to hurt you. I let everything off while sparing nothing for myself to hang onto. I live a carefree life ignoring the fact that I am leaning myself on a normal human being. Humans- whom Allah says are weak creations, because face it, we are servants afterall.

And now that I am being shattered to ground zero, to my deepest weak point, I can no longer stand straight involuntarily. Little jerks on the surface will need me to hurriedly run to my base station, to shut the power off or else explosion’s next. I am pushed and forced to stand straight voluntarily instead of involuntarily, which means that by default I am not on my feet- and tired or not I have to stand up. I have to.

No, it’s not about pushing things that have happened to the surface again and again. It is, in fact, a continuous effort of searching and re-searching, telling and re-telling, minding and reminding myself of the proverb, “Every cloud has a silver lining.”

It is only when I am completely coming back to my sense that all of these happened under His decree, I no longer find the need to do the tiresome, heart-wrench, constant effort anymore. For once, I will feel so glad and grateful for things He has bestowed me with.

In the muddy puddle still, but I’ll jump and run and laugh while breathing in newer and fresher air.

But for now, this is still a cycle that gets repeated on its own. Over and over again. One after another.

It’s a cycle, I, myself don’t want to be in.

Bear with me, just please.

“Allahus somad”- Allah is Besought of all, needing none.

It’s my lone battle that I have to fight in, with all my might, InsyaAllah.

As she walked slow, looking down, that was when I saw her thoughts wandering her mind.

Such puzzle, like she’s living in a maze. Always figuring out which turn is better, which turn will lead her to the way out. She is in a confuse state, questioning whether she has fallen or whether she will ever move on.

One thing for sure, her mind and heart conflicted every time she questioned herself. Yet, she laughed and played pretend that she’s all okay and content.

But I see her through and through, she’s dying a little bit inside every time she smiled.

 

Sometimes, in your lowest moments when you feel most helpless, Allah reveals a treasure to you when you least expect it. It might be a deeper insights into life’s meanings, a sudden attachment to Quran, or a tear that you learn to shed in supplication.

But surely when Allah takes something away from you, He gives you something greater in its place.

“Wouldn’t passion towards family and loved ones be the first to be cultivated ?” the question lingers in.

Is it wrong that my passion is to love thus the clinginess that may suffocate you ?

Tell me if I am. It’s okay.

I always find myself comforting people with the words I want to hear. Well, that’s fine too, it’s all from Him anyway right ? :’)

Evaporated

Are there tears somewhere

Hiding beneath that heart there ?

.

Or is it cracked and too dry

Like the earth under the bright sky ?

.

Fear, hope and love evaporated,

Condensed to those created.

Until the blood becomes thick,

And the heart becomes sick.

.

O Allah flood me with the rain.

So that I may shower my veins,

And let my frail heart pumps out,

Those tears I can’t live without.

.

For my hearts is a wilting plant,

Holding in the fence I can’t.

Need the rain to circulate in my stem,

So that I may reach the sun once again.

“Sandarkan lelahmu pada Tuhan dalam sujud malam, dalam zikir perlahan.”

 

BORDERLESS.

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