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Running alongside a speeding bullet train,

An endless one.

Ighfir dzunubi Allah..

It’s the 1st of February of 2017- the year which I have promised to love myself more.

I was being quite hard on myself at first, forcing my feet to not even wobble every single time. I deprived myself or should I say I punched my way out of unsettled things instead of reviewing them one by one. And sure enough, by the second week of my 2017 journey, I can no longer be that absolute ball of positivity I promised I would be.

Well, pardon me if you think I failed myself where that long, windy and endless promises were all another to-do lists I would breach and renew, breach and renew. Pardon me if you got sick and annoyed with my tantrums and those repetitive over-empathy induced problems. Pardon me if everything that you could think of was me being a sad little girl, sitting in the corner and sleep my way out every night.

Pardon me again, but have you ever swim in between the lines?

Have you seen me fighting?

Have you seen me swept my bottom off dust after every break I gave myself?

Have you seen me mending my wounds, and dressing them again every night so that the wounds would heal a little faster, scarless?

You would most probably question yourself what’s so hard in my life? Well, I question myself that a lot too.

Some people have their fights obviously seen, some may not. People in war, people with cancer, people in poverty, working mothers and so on. And on the other side of the leaf, are those people with their unseen fights, or should I say neglected? A stay-at-home mother, a working father, normal people passing by and truth is, every single person in this world.

You don’t need to be in their fights, you wouldn’t even need to know what kind of fights they are in. You only need to value that they are fighting, and that alone would be more than enough.

Acknowledge their fights. That’s my point.

But in my case, I don’t need the acknowledgement to my fights. I just need your trust and for you to have faith in me.

Give me a pat on my back and smile. That to me, would be more than enough.

I promise.

Don’t run away from difficulties. He placed them in your path for a reason. So embrace the rose and the thorns as well. That’s how you grow.

You work so hard, just to end up at home crying yourself to sleep; remember that you’re trying, you are moving mountains that have plagued you since you were young, and you’re trying so hard.

Keep fighting, fight until you have won. Fight until you have found your way home, until the sun comes back and your heart learns to love the mornings again.

That my friends, is a call for true success through true fights.

I can do this, Insyaallah.

Here’s the thing about some people;

They give you excuses when you don’t explain yourself. They accept apologies you don’t give. They see the best in you when you don’t need them to. At your worst, they lift you up. Even if it means putting their priorities aside. The word “busy” does not exist in their dictionary. They make time, even when you don’t.

And you suddenly wonder why they are the most sensitive people. You wonder why they are the most caring people. You wonder why they are willing to give so much of themselves with no expectation in return.

You wonder why their existence is not so essential to your well-being. It’s because they don’t make you work hard for the attention they give you. They accept the love they think they’ve earned, and you accept the love you think you’re entitled to.

Let me tell you something;

Fear the day when they finally give up on you.

By then, you have to remember that your skies don’t become grey out of nowhere, your sunshine does not allow the darkness to take over for no reason.

The same that a heart wouldn’t turn cold unless it has been treated with coldness for a while.

#intensereading

Life is a giant puzzle. A tricky one, I’m afraid.

There’s no single thing that you could be certain of. Say, you wake up one morning and could you list down 5 simple things that you could be certain with, will happen that day ? Or, could you name them down with full certainty ?

As we age, we crave for something to appear certain to us, for things to be solidly clear and for us to be solidly affirmed. We create a sleek, invisible bubble around us which holds us in, where only certain things can enter or only when we are certain of ourselves then those things can finally enter.

Should I further my study or should I start to find available jobs ? What if I opt to find jobs and decline the offer to further my study, I end up being jobless at the end of the day ? Shouldn’t I just further my study then ?

If you were to get married and you stubbornly defend yourself that you are just not yet ready. What are you readying yourself for when things that you are about to face are all of no certain.  The situation is, it’s either you are ready for something uncertain or you are not ready for something uncertain, where both have their own weightage. It’s either you lose by 1 point or you lose by 2 points. And that’s why, we can never be certainly ready, if you haven’t yet know.

At times, you would want to start asking yourself, what actually would be the mark indicating that certainty? What’s your definition of you being certain of something? When is uncertainty becomes certain, and can certainty become uncertain?

This life scatters us into pieces that only Allah can join. What’s your call then ?

If you have been reading it negatively, make your way to the start again and try reading it positively.

Try and you would acquire things differently, I bet.

One of those days when all I want is to have back my little room in Alexander Street

Slide the white, lace-y curtain to the left and clip it with a black paper clip

Sit on the squeaky, red-leather, old chair

Put my thinking cap on

Curl my legs up and start my day with a warm mug of green tea.

At times when yesterday’s lectures are too much

I’ll skip class- because that’s what a slow student would do

And when I do, I’ll wake up extra early and study my ass off.

And at times when everything goes smoothly

I’ll sit in dark, lit up cherry-scented candles and reward myself with a long, leisure reading time

But most times, lit up vanilla-scented candles and sleep in early.

That little room,

It holds so much of myself,

My little secrets, my little own world

Moments of turbulence and opposite.

And if I were to keenly look back,

It’s magical how a small, secluded, basement room become a place where I realised what world has to offer

And that small little room, it’s way larger than how it’s seen.

I miss you, so much.

image

 

 

Too many write, delete, re-write, re-delete, re-re-write, re-re-delete and it went on and on and on.

Because of the guilt every time a self-centered issue is written, while the world outside is facing a so so much bigger issue.

..

(Just let me);

Those unhappy working environment, people talking behind one’s back, all those polluted and manipulated principles, pathetic excuses, the blame-you instead of let-me-suggest-something boss’s mentality, people’s ridiculous expectations, dry acts, old traditions, unheard and neglected opinions, pathetic pathetic needs to stick to what the seniors do for a good result despite the zero integrity (or they called it [pathetic] creativity), and everything in between.

I am sorry that I choose to use the word pathetic, where to some, it may appear pretty harsh, well at least to me. But this is it, I have had enough. I need to breathe in new, fresh air, clean and unpolluted air. It feels so suffocating and demanding, (unfortunately) in a bad way, when you have to walk your every-day life opposing your own life’s principles. It’s dreadful, I must say.

I have never seen a picture like this before. It has already been too bad, smudgy and messy but I have to keep painting while trying to fix anywhere I can- for it to be beautiful, or at least for me to think that it is beautiful.

I..

Alright, enough.

..

I am so sorry world, I pray and wish I could be stronger too.

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